when, in the course of human events, yo...

Happy Independence Day. It's good not to be under the thumb of a detested regent suffering from mental illness. Or at least, so I am assured. Hee.
I stopped off at the grocery store last night. The 16-ish-year-old fellow hired to put my purchases into a sack had nothing to do, as I generally do not require sacks from the Hy-Vee, because I carry around a giant LL Bean Boat-n-Tote for just such an eventuality. Anyway. So this kid says, "what are you doing for the 4th of July?" and I, being me, say "celebrating our nation's independence from the yoke of British monarchy, how about you?" and this sends him into a fit of giggles. He then told me a story about how his neighbors across the street are British, and didn't know what the deal was with the 4th being a holiday. I was skeptical. Surely if you are in the USA, and you are British, you are clear on the fact that the USA (U-S-A! U-S-A!) has this deal about being ex-British. I mean, maybe you don't know that it falls on the 4th of July, but you probably know that we have, as a country, sort of got this vested and adamant interest in being independent, and that we generally take any opportunity at all to deck ourselves out in red, white and blue, and eat high-fat meats cooked over charcoal. Anyhow.

The kid said his neighbors didn't see what the deal was. I suggested that maybe they were, as the British say, "having him on." I then proposed that if said British expats have a swimming pool, he and his friends go chuck a couple of boxes of teabags into it. Down with the King! Down with the tea tax! And the Stamp Tax! Whoo! Stupid Redcoats! Yankees rule, Tories drool! Kid looked confused. Oh, well.

Stay safe. Don't stick sparklers in the ground and go running around barefoot. Remember: a significant number of maimings occur following the utterance of the following sentence: "Hey, watch this." A significant number of amputations tend to follow the addendum of "Hang on...hold my beer."

home again, again

Okay, so remember how I wasn't home because I went to Louisville? Well, then I was not home because of a burst pipe. Kelly and I are now back in Perry after 6 fun-filled nights and 5 sun-drenched days in glamourous, exotic Topeka. (Thanks, Corcorans! Y'all are aces! Thanks for the bed and the breakfasts!) Things we learned:

1) gas is more expensive in Topeka
2) our commuting from Topeka to Lawrence on a regular basis would not be in anyone's best interest
3) you can turn off the water to your house with one of those vise-grip wrenches
4) ...but it is easier with the grabby iron pole thing that the water department uses
5) our cordless phones can serve as walkie-talkies
6) mysteriously, we had a pipe extend underneath and past the house that went to absolutely nowhere. I am considering displaying it as art, calling it "The Ted Stevens Memorial Water Pipe to Nowhere." (this funny, really -- google "Ketchikan Alaska" or possibly "Gravina Island Bridge" and see whatcha get)
7) it is apparently unwise to join copper pipe to steel pipe
8) those tall weedy things that you kind of sometimes just let grow near the perimeter of the house because, heck, they're not bothering anything? Cut 'em down. Seriously, no, cut them down now.

But anyway, now we're home again. Again. Stop by, swap howdies. Have a glass of water, now that it's running again and is not the color of blood. *


* water not the color of blood is a potentially limited-time offer, based on outward worldwide apocalyptic indications. Requests for water not the color of blood after postmillennial or amillennial dispensation may not be honored by the management due to availability constraints. Colorless water availability improves in absence of locusts, hail, leprosy, Wormwood, celestial trumpet soundings, bowls being poured out upon the seas, and reconstructions of the Temple of Solomon. Tax, title and destination fee may apply.

home again home again jiggity-jig

Howdy -- for those to whom it seemed like I vanished from the earth, that is not what happened. I went (on the spur-of-the-moment) to Louisville to see my family. So, that being said, I did not
-- get trapped underneath a collapsed pile of records
-- go see Lawrence of Arabia on a big screen for 72 hours straight
-- perish of langours
-- lock myself in a room to read all of the books in the "Twilight" saga
-- lock myself in a room to read all of the works of Epictetus
-- go on an all-5-season Wire-watching jag
-- finish my book
-- edit my book
-- make more notecards for organizing my book
-- clean my house
-- walk my dogs
-- whip up a Tournedos Rossini, accompanied by Pommes de Terre dauphinoise, with Souffle Rothschild for dessert

That being said, I'm back from Louisville, we did not blow away in a storm, and I am no further along with anything than I was when I left. :-( More soon.

to kill a snake, one must cut off the head

So I was at the grocery the other day and they were having a sale on organic yogurt. 50 cents a cup. Okay, I'm game...plus, the other kinds of non-organic yogurts were a dollar a cup. Whatever -- it's yogurt, it's made with strawberries -- how bad can it be?

Answer: exceedingly bad. You know that scene in the movie "Big" where Tom Hanks takes a bite of caviar and sour cream and then goes ballistic trying to get it out of his mouth? That kind of bad. So I look at the ingredients list, because -- seriously, this stuff was really bad. Anyway, the bottom of the container tells me it's not spoiled, which was definitely the first thing that went through my mind. The next thing it tells me is that it's made naturally (which I had assumed, because...it's organic yogurt. Says so right on the container). The next thing it tells me is that it is flavored with organic strawberry puree. Okey-dokey. Then I look at the parenthetical ingredients for the organic strawberry puree. Strawberries (check), water (check), tomato-lycopene concentrate (che...wait, what?) . Then, finally, as I am throwing the container away (in flagrant violation of pro-animal protection, pro-recycling, green, Birkenstock-y standards), it dawns on me -- the name of this product is "Cultural Revolution." It had not occurred to me as I purchased it that in general, you probably don't want to name your delicious yogurt product after a program instituted by Mao Zedong. "Look for our other delicious products...Great Leap Forwards Tofu Bites, Year Zero Frozen Spinach Lasagna, and Glorious Proletariat brand Organic Yam Chips!"

I'm just sayin'. Let my experience inform your purchasing choices, in defiance of the running-dog lackeys of the imperialist West.

gloom, despair, agony on me; deep, dark depression, excessive misery

For those of you who were forced to watch "Hee Haw" as a child...and you know who you are...well, the title of this post will jog your memory a bit. I never understood why that segment of the show was supposed to be funny.

Anyway, YES, I know that I have not posted anything in a while, and YES, I'm sorry about it, and NO, there's nothing I can do about it now, so cut me some slack.

Here's what's been happening: bad weather every gosh-darn day. Telling people to get out of the way of tornadoes, lightning, hail, and other accoutrements of the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Kelly and I bought a car. I will put a picture of the Element up sometime soon, because it is just so darn cute. I love this car. It is irrational to love a car, but I do. Because, you know, I'm stupid, or something.

I had a birthday. It was fine. My mother is having a birthday today. I assume it, too, is fine.

My nephew kinda-sorta broke his leg by falling off a couch (yep, those would be the Lorson catastrophic-stuff-happens-to-us-in-nominally-benign-circumstances genes, all right). You can learn more about this at schindlersinkentucky.blogspot.com. Cute pictures of a kid in a bright green cast abound.

The dogs have been keyed up and on-edge for days. I am assuming this is because of the weather. On Friday night, Finnegan came in and woke me up and would not leave me alone until I agreed to go downstairs with him. I sat down in a chair in the downstairs bedroom and was watching the Weather Channel (geeks of the world, unite!), and he was still unhappy. He kept nudging me, and then pushing me, and whimpering. So I stood up, and he pushed me into the bathroom. Which is where we go in moderately severe weather -- if I can hear the tornado sirens going off, we go outside and get in the creepy underground storm shelter. Anyway, Finnegan was determined, so I gave in and ended up sitting in the bathroom for an hour, until he calmed down. Dogs? Love 'em. They endlessly surprise you.

Nothing else to report, really. The book is coming along slowly, because I am a lazy bum with no sense of self-preservation or ambition. The house, however, has never been tidier. It is amazing how much energy I have for vacuuming and dusting when I know I should be writing instead. The lilacs have finished blooming for now, though they may make another run at it. Our magenta peonies have bloomed; the pink are ready to go any day now. Also, the irises are up and our poppies are blooming.

Happy birthday, Mom! Eat cake, go out for dinner, go wild. I'm glad you were born.

that gum you like is coming back in style

I try to stay away from the politics here, but seriously? Worst debate I've ever seen. Makes me embarrassed to be a part of the profession to which I've devoted 20 years.

Who thought it would be a good idea to let Stephanopoulos -- who was on the freaking Clinton payroll, for crying out loud -- ask questions at this thing?

Who thought it would be a good idea for him to ask a question about the flipping Weather Underground, apparently suggested by none other than the august, wise, non-agenda-oriented, utterly fair and with-no-axe-to-grind Sean Hannity? I was hoping his followup would be on the Symbionese Liberation Army, or possibly Tupac Amaru. Whip inflation now! Dig that crazy new single by the Average White Band! Didja see my new macrame plant-holder? Wanna come over and see my pet rock?

Charlie Gibson -- what? Seriously, if you are that heated up over the capital gains tax (at least, heated up that apparently you are going to have to pay it at some point), you need to get someone else to host this debate.

The question on "What would you ask George W. Bush to do after he leaves office?" I hated both responses to this question. I thought they were disrespectful. There is a correct answer to this question: it is "I would ask him what he would like to do, and then have him do it." A runner-up: "I would ask him to be in charge of promoting faith-based initiatives."

All in all, I am so angry at ABC I cannot see straight. Way to go, shill-bots. Next time they have a debate on ABC, I think the moderators should just spout non-sequiturs from "Twin Peaks." It would be about as informative and enlightening.

this trend can now officially die

You know, I am a fan of pop music -- always have been. To the grave dismay of my friends and now my husband, I'm a singles kinda gal. I don't care that much about albums, unless they are
a) Exile on Main Street
b) Maggot Brain
c) New Amerykah
d) Shoot Out the Lights
e) Laughing Stock
f) The Blues and the Abstract Truth.

Anyway, I like singles. And in the 80s, I liked them even more than I do now. So imagine my joy at discovering the latest internet meme:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBGIQ7ZuuiU

You got RickRolled! Okay, done now. Old people get it, your trend is finished. Thought I will probably still think the random playing/direction to/interruption of events with this song is kind of funny for at least another week or two.

Also? In case you were wondering? The Kareem Abdul-Jabbar blog for the LA Times is completely great. Scroll down and look for his post on why people always thought he was so angry -- this is hilarious.